The Point Of Every Post Is To State What I Am Doing To Keep From Getting Lit

This is pretty much the reason why I haven't posted in six months. It is also the reason for this belated check-in.

After a month's worth of success in meeting my goal of averaging 2 drinks per day, I got drunk at a bar that is located nearly two miles from where I live. My mode of transportation was a bicycle. It was a weeknight, and I had work to perform the next day. And as then as it is now, money wasn't exactly rolling in. Though in the past month-and-a-half that I have abstained from drinking, my grocery bill has been considerably lowered.

I broke some cardinal rules in my harm reduction plan:

* When drinking in public, plan a measure for safe transport home. I rode my bicycle to a bar located nearly two miles from where I live. Though at no point did I black out, I was disoriented enough to have gotten lost, ending up three neighborhoods north of my own, at 5:00 in the morning. I am extremely fortunate to have not suffered a fall or even so much as a stumble, much less any serious injuries.

* No drinking on school nights. I had work to do the next day. I missed it, and lost money.

****** ****** ******

Here are the principles that I did adhere to. At the risk of suffering derision, i.e. "This is shit that you, or anybody, should be doing anyways!", I offer that because I practiced the following elements of harm reduction... well, that shit could have been a hell of a lot worse:

* Leave the car keys off the chain. This is my libertarian spirit talking. I can be stupidly drunk and endanger myself, but give me the wheel, and the level of offense skyrockets exponentially. My history includes two totalled cars and hundreds of miles logged while driving drunk, so I didn't exactly learn this from being wise.

* Pace myself to one drink per hour. This, along with eating a full meal before drinking, has kept me from suffering blackouts and more severe varieties of hangovers. In addition to guarding against an endless damage list in the hands of a blackout, pacing and a proper diet have kept my physical condition intact, and free from "the shakes," and hangovers of a more severe variety.

I spent the next few months engaged in maintenance drinking, and suffered the worst depression of my life (with respect to the fact that I have never been clinically diagnosed). Having fallen away from my online support group, my main buttress was (and remains) connection with a group of men, all of us who have attended an initiatory retreat, a "warriors' weekend." In our group's case, we hold bi-weekly/sometimes monthly meetings. The format is structured to mine basic feelings (anger, fear, sadness, shame, and joy) from underneath often-recurring problems that we encounter.

Through these months, I engaged in withholding information about my drinking. One strawman statement that I used was, "I've been feeling depressed, but it doesn't have to do with how much I am drinking." I knew it was bullshit while I was saying it. True, I had been drinking less than I used to, but only since I started drinking again, period, did my creativity begin to dwindle. And my focus turned from outwardly matters to fighting with alcohol, while embracing it at the same time. I've had relationships like this, too.

Along with my emotional trauma was a physical reaction that I felt in response to moderate drinking. Following such evenings, I would often awaken in a sweat. It was far from being profuse, but uncomfortable enough to crash my sleep, while grabbing for a dry tee-shirt. I still stand by initial observation of the words "alcoholic" and "alcoholism" as being not medically backed by the DSMV-IV, but consider myself to be genetically unable to metabolize alcohol properly. Further anecdotal evidence of this is found in one parent's side of the family, and many glorious and tragic stories involving booze.

So it was, when I met with my fellow warriors last, that I cracked. I came clean. I am addicted to alcohol, and my life will get worse if I keep drinking.

On sobriety (an open letter)

(The following is a response I wrote to a friend.  The opening and closing sections are deleted to preserve confidentiality.  All else remains unedited.---B.S.)

sobriety:

–noun

1.	the state or quality of being sober.

2.	temperance or moderation, esp. in the use of alcoholic beverages.

3.	seriousness, gravity, or solemnity: an event marked by sobriety.

 

"sobriety/sober" (as is used in A.A. and other 12-step programs)

 

* Working "a good program" (an opinionated phrase with minimal objectivity).  Here, the term "sobriety" is broadened beyond the dictionary definition by A.A., and implies a heightened and somewhat vacuous quality of spiritual being, or even happiness.

    i.e. "Bob J. sponsors five people, does a daily 10th step, and hasn't drank in eight years.  He has good sobriety."

    i.e. "Sally has been a total bummer, not calling her sponsor, and hasn't been sharing in meetings.  Not real sober behavior, I'd say."

 

* Abstinent from alcohol.  According to definition #2, this is technically correct, but you will not find a member of A.A. who will refer to someone who had a drinking problem, but is succeding at moderate drinking, as "sober," or having "sobriety."  Just another example of word-twisting Orwellian excess.

 

* Less frequent is the use of the word "sober" to shame, or silence an A.A. member who professes to be having problems.  Upon hearing such problems, a sponsor or elder A.A. is known to passive-aggressively retort "Are you sober?"  I'd be fine if that person just came out and said "Are you through bitching?";  though crude and lacking in compassion, it would at least reflect more honesty on the part of the questioner.

 

My own negative gut reaction to the term "sobriety" also comes from having heard such misuse of the word over a combined 14 years' worth of maintream A.A. attendance.  Even worse than just hearing the word in a non-objective context a zillion times, I had also adopted the A.A.-speak myself, when I had sponsored others, spoken in meetings, gave leads... I was a "good German" also.

 

Whether in conversation, or on a DKos comments thread, I take great joy in deprogramming myself every time I use the word "sober" in context with definition #3.  I also feel great physically, now that I am abstinent from alcohol.  This, I would happily call "sobriety."  The thing I take issue with is when "sobriety" is also used to refer to a mental state, as used in conjunction with that physical state of not drinking alcohol.  To me (and again, it's how I heard it for a looong time), the implication was that if I went to a bar and drank Pepsi, or if I hung out with people who were drinking, or went a few days without getting to a meeting, then it was not regarded as soberbehavior.

 

About that last sentence.  To me, the thing that is really damning about A.A. is that "avoiding bars, friends, parties, etc." is good advice.  Even getting to meetings is healthy, if I absolutely must do so, to occupy myself.  The thing is that failure to practice such advice is met not with understanding, but derision, and the inability of your average stepper to really listen to, and understand how the newcomer is feeling.  I've never heard of a sponsor asking that poor sponsee, "Why don't you like meetings?  What rubs you the wrong way about them?"  Instead, the sponsee talks to a pull-string sponsor, whose response is always "Get to more meetings."

 

Last night, when you said (paraphrase) "I don't want to threaten your sobriety," it sounded a lot like the fear-based A.A. euphemisms I've heard much of my life, which is why I suggested to you the alternate phrase "honor my health", which comes more from a point of love than fear.  Please don't be offended.  Or... hell.  Even if you are offended, let me have it. 

 

Bottom line is this:  I am clear that you speak to me with nothing but good intentions.  And any ranting you are reading right now is not directed at you (though I am glad to share it with you), but comes from my own anger at A.A. having screwed up my own vocabulary, and those of others.  Though I must say, you have sparked me to define some things for myself here!  To me, this is super-healthy, and is the opposite of what I described above (some A.A. screwball using "are you sober?" as a slimy way of saying STFU to the new guy).

What is Good about Alcoholics Anonymous?

A.A. Survival Tips for Pigeons

Introductory note: though the title specifies Alcoholics Anonymous, the survival tips can be applied to any other 12-step group. I have attended other 12-step groups (Narcotics, Cocaine, Overeaters, and S.L.A.A.-Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, as well as Adult Children of Alcoholics), but 99% of my program experience comes solely from A.A.

You have a drinking problem, and you are seeking a face-to-face support group. Or you have been ordered by the court to attend Alcoholics Anonymous as a condition of your probation. Or you may be an uninsured citizen who suffers from psychological disorders, and have decided that the support of a 12-step group is better than no support at all.

No matter the reason, you now find yourself headed to an A.A. (or other "A") meeting. Your entrance will most certainly draw attention, as some to most members of the group will recognize you as a newcomer, or in archaic A.A. groupspeak, a "pigeon." You will most likely be welcomed, receive handshakes, and in some cases, hugs. You may find this experience to be reasonably cordial, with respect to standard social graces and appropriate physical contact.

I very much found this to be the case during my brief run of S.L.A.A. meetings, where one hard line policy was this, to paraphrase: "If you want to physically embrace another member, and are not yet on intimate friendship terms with this person, you must approach this in terms of a request, and not an implied demand. Tell the other that they are under no obligation whatsoever." This policy and others in S.L.A.A. enabled a container that protected the group from sexual exploitation, as well as the "love-bombing" that occurs in more unstable step recovery rooms.

This is a brief digression to the main point, which is this. As a newcomer, you may find your initial experience of a 12-step meeting to be overwhelming. between the grand welcome and bearing witness to occasionally deep levels of deep emotion being expressed by others. You may also be highly encouraged to socialize after the meeting. These interactions can be healthy for those who share an open-minded view of all recovery options, while mixing in some conversation about books, movies, the Cubs, needlepoint art, or other various personal interests. On the other hand, you may find yourself intimidated, in feeling pressure from others to disclose information that you are not comfortable giving just yet.

It is for such experiences that I have written down the following survival tips for people who are new to step group recovery. I am not claiming that A.A. is a cult on the level of other certain high-profile belief sects. But some of its practices, as derived from its literature, slogans and social contract, can be hazardous to those who are introverted, dually diagnosed, or susceptible to group pressure.

While attending A.A. meetings, I met many supportive people, and did my best to stick with them, while gaining substantial time free from alcoholic beverages. If I know someone who is having problems with their drinking, and needs face-to-face support that may not be available through other recovery groups like HAMS, SMART, SOS, or WFS, I would have no qualms about referring that person directly to any of the good men and women I have met in A.A. But yo. Listen up, pigeons.

1. "Big Bird." Or, the sponsor. In A.A. tradition, this is the person who helps you work the steps. A more down-to-earth sponsor may do this as well, but will also have the integrity to lead by example, in displaying common sense techniques that helped them to stay sober. Ask this person questions, and be sure that the answers you receive are rooted in common sense, and are not commands that are dismissive of your needs. Equally as important is this: you get to choose your sponsor, not the other way around. Avoid whack jobs who offer you their unrequested sponsorship.

2. "Birds of a feather flock together." If you decide to pursue an A.A. program to the letter of the law, then you will most assuredly find support in that endeavor, from those who practice the 12 step program. This is a given. But if what you want is fellowship without the dogma and support without the spirituality, then be patient, and keep a watchful eye for those good souls who share honest feelings that are not framed by excessive step-talk or program slogans. Bonus points if you are a skeptic, and have access to Quad-A meetings (Alcoholics Anonymous for Atheists and Agnostics). I went to a few of them, and found them to be refreshingly free of prayer and ritual, with no pressure to announce myself as an "alcoholic."

3. "Careful with that squawking!" Sharing experiences and feelings is encouraged in A.A. Sometimes, "just listening" is pardoned... actually, encouraged, when the next person to speak is a 19-year program veteran who has fifteen minutes worth of wisdom to impart to the group. In either case, do not say anything in a meeting, or in working your 5th step (admitting exact nature of wrongs) that you would not tell to your best friend, or to a trusted family member. This may seem like basic and common sense. It is. Please hang onto it.

4. "Beware of foxes in the henhouse." Especially if you are a woman. In my experience, I have found that the majority of A.A. members do indeed mobilize to prevent sexual predation. You may not have this luxury. If, after limited meeting attendance, you find yourself fraught with sexual advances while receiving minimal support from members of your own gender, then get the hell out. And consider that online support, though lacking in face-to-face connection, is free of face-to-face predators, as well.

5. "Canary in the low-wage coal mine." Beware of work exploitation, as well. If offered a job opportunity, be sure that the situation will be mutually beneficial. Check your guts for any doubts (as always), and be confident that your recovery process will remain unaffected, especially if your employer attends the same meeting(s) that you do.

6. "To kill a mockingbird..." It is impossible to debate reality with a person who is certain that they are on the right path, and insists that you join them for that walk. At some point, your only defense against prosyltezing individuals must come not from a "higher power," but from their own literature.

From the A.A. preamble: "The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking." It says nothing about working steps, giving out your phone number, or accepting rides from creeps.

From p.26 of the book 12 Steps and 12 Traditions: "Alcoholics Anonymous does not demand that you believe anything" (step two). If you feel pressured to do anything that you are not comfortable with (giving out your phone number, working a step, attending more meetings, or even announcing yourself as an "alcoholic"), remember this passage above all else.

South Park: A Brief Description of Abstinence Violation Effect

Stan's father Randy has been arrested for driving while intoxicated, and attends a court-mandated A.A. meeting:





This causes problems for Randy. Angered by this, Stan confronts the group:





Undaunted, the group members confront Randy at the bar. The intervention goes awry:

Exit A.A., enter Harm Reduction

Ingrained in the overall of your standard Alcoholics Anonymous social contract is this perception. If you are an alcoholic, and you fall off the wagon after months, or even years of sobriety, your drinking will be as bad as it was it was when you initially quit. And it will get worse.

My name is B.S. I am an alcoholic. Repeat five thousand times, and then say “jump!” Oh, crap.

What with the word “worse” being a relative judgment and all, I have no problem when an A.A. member sticks to their own story, in this regard and all others. In my own returns to drinking that followed years (or months) of 12-step supported abstinence, I found my own alcohol intake increasing over long periods of time. At the beginning of each relapse was pronounced binging (weekends-only, high-risk drinking), that eventually settled into longer expanses of daily low-to-medium risk drinking (5-9 drinks per day), with fewer weekend binges. With respect to the big picture, my alcohol intake from one year to the next did increase, marginally. I became a “functioning alcoholic,” spreading my booze more consistently through the week, while binging less on weekends.

Flash forward to the present moment, in mid-August of 2008. It has been a year and a half since I left Alcoholics Anonymous for the last time, one year since I chose to resume drinkng again, and almost three months since I began structuring a program... my own program... of recovery, with information and support provided through the HAMS: Harm Reduction from Alcohol network. By using HAMS-suggested strategies such as drink tracking, continued deprogramming from the disease model of “alcoholism,” and connection with fellow “HAMSters,” my drinking has decreased (June daily drink average= 4.83 drinks; August daily drink average, so far=3.25 drinks).

I am still obsessed with the subjects of alcohol and problem drinking. My relationship with alcohol is still tenuous. I enjoy drinking quality beers and wines alike (no hard alcohol) and pay a weekly price for this pleasure with mild hangovers on a weekly basis. My diet and sleep patterns, though improving, are not yet where I would like them to be. HAMS is enabling me to work on these details as well, in addition to helping me reduce and eliminate extreme behaviors of my past that have led to injury or intense discomfort.

Managing my drinking problem is not about working on personal shortcomings, or improving my conscious contact with a higher power. Resentment, accorded by A.A.'s main text as "the 'number one' offender (that) destroys more alcoholics than anything else," (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 64) is now something I regard as more of a motivator to action, and less that of a death threat. Harm reduction is about dealing with actual problems faced, and how to handle them by using rational thought, practical methods, and compassion for one's self, in the process.

In the spirit of Rational Responder's Blasphemy Challenge, I issue the following statement: "I have abused alcohol, and I am not an alcoholic (repeat as necessary). I hereby renounce a spiritual awakening as my only solution to a drinking problem."

My Drunk-o-logue and My Step-o-logue

Through most of my life, the issue of heavy drinking has been front-and-center, be it through Alcoholics Anonymous membership, or actual time spent drinking, and all its varied consequences therein.

Following my first ever alcohol-related hauling to the police station at age 16 (three of us got caught drinking a 12-pack of Molson while camped in front of an unauthorized bonfire) came the first warning from my mother about my having a possible "predetermined alcoholic disposition", inherited from my father's side of the family. The American Medical Association recognizes "alcoholism" as a disease, while the DSM-IV eschews the term "alcoholism" in favor of the phrases "alcohol abuse," and "alcohol dependence." Nonetheless, a blanket genetic theory had been prematurely adopted, blossoming in tandem with acceptance of the 12-step recovery model by the treatment center industry. This was 1981.

A year later, I totalled my father's truck in a drunken blackout, and wrecked my own car some months after that. Dad, who at that time had put in over three years of sober time in A.A., rightly ordered me to either get help for my drinking, or find another place to live. So I checked out a meeting, immediately declared myself to be an alcoholic (though not really believing it, but "when in Rome..."), and thus began 25 years worth of alternating binge drinking with 12-step sobriety (six years at one point, five at another).

My six-year stint in A.A. ended in 1992. I moved from suburbia to the big city, to play bass guitar in a working rock band, and to drink, smoke, snort, and dose with no regard for the future. I drank daily most of the time, with few breaks in between. I played in at least ten different bands/musical projects, and had lots of fun. On the down side, friends and lovers (prospective or otherwise) beat frequent paths to the door so as to avoid me, as drunken and/or hungover behavior became my normal state of being. I stopped going out with friends, for the most part, and spent more time drinking at home, alone.

After a few years of this, I returned to A.A. This was more a matter of feeling disconnected with others, than having been prompted by the aftermath of any heavy drinking-related incidents that I had suffered many over those eight years: drunken fights, three arrests, one mugging, bass guitar stolen thanks to drunken negligence, a dislocated shoulder, all threaded with numerous blackouts, hangovers, some shakes, and a lot of sweat.

Into my last run of sober time, I found some meetings that, to my relief, maintained a toned-down approach to the 12 steps. I met fellow musicians and other artists who could be every bit as humorous and ironic as any of my drinking buddies. Yet, underneath it all existed the generally held conception that a spritual approach was required in order to stay sober. No amount of cognitive dissonance, be it self-induced/A.A. related/both, could convince me to absorb this approach into my own truth.

In reflecting upon this, I offer you a basic and visceral view of kudos and bitches, with regard to my time in the rooms. Though factual in spots, my views are anecdotally based.

Positives:

*For nearly 30 years, my father has remained sober while attending meetings. Not only is my dad a better person who helps his community and others around him, but he remains dismissive of the archaic and cloying dogma that is piled shit-heap high in the Big Book (pet name for A.A.'s official text). My father actively practices the positive aspects of the program slogan "keep it simple", in saying, "The thing in this program that works is that as recovering alcoholics, we touch base, we support one another... and never mind all that horseshit Big Book text, fer chrissakes!" He takes this basic message (a good one, I believe, when omitting the 12 steps/higher-power/cultist trappings) to a weekly jail meeting in his region. After suffering a heart attack seven years ago, my father received a signature-rich get-well card from the jail inmates. Upbeat under the circumstances as they were, dad got a real boost out of this.

*Over the course of my meeting attendance, I have made some damn good friends. I also have some good friends at ... well, y'know, wherever! The bar(s), the rehearsal space, on the 'net, in a jet, along with those met through family and other friends, Still, I feel like I lucked out in having met fellow travelers (punks, hippies, metalheads, gearheads, and single moms alike, kind of like Opus' band in Bloom County) who shared with me a heightened sense of irreverence towards all irony-bludgeoning things that are A.A. We spent much time telling dirty jokes and vamping sarcastic parodies of the more popular A.A. propaganda over all-night over coffee, and doing things in our free time that were judged by many hardcore A.A.'s to be engaging in "unhealthy behavior... definitely not sober!" (cigars and poker, pagan bonfires up and down the coast of Lake Michigan, midnight skinny-dipping, dancing at punk/techno clubs that served... alcohol? Just plain "driving too fast"???).


Negatives:

*Alcoholics Anonymous is sexist. See: the "To Wives" chapter (written not by Lois, but by Bill Wilson!), the He/Him references to "a higher power", the ego-deflating steps that apply poorly to problem drinkers who are often victimized (mostly female, with nary a doubt), and the overall unwillingness of Alcoholics Anonymous to collectively "amend" their archaic literature, which was written well before the womens'/civil rights movements awakened many Americans in the 1960's.

*In addition to those friendships described above, I have also had others that went comatose, upon my uttering the words "A.A. is no longer working for me."

*Phrases heard daily in "How It Works" (a page-and-a-half long reading that precedes 99% of all A.A. meetings:
----"alcohol... cunning, baffling, powerful" (alcohol-as-evil-spirit metaphor)
----"those who do not recover are people cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program" (ever felt like one of those?)
----"we asked His protection and care with complete abandon" (I can't keep myself sober, so I have to put all my eggs in the basket of a hypothetical power?... though based on on the bold-faced/italicized/upper-case pronoun, we have determined that this 'higher power' is swinging pipe, Sgt. Friday)

I have heard at least 5,000 meetings worth of these phrases, along with many others that are only slightly less inane. And I did my best to process them: to screen them, to manipulate a reasonably sane version of them, to make up my own "meeting-friendly" version of them, not to mention a "sponsor-accepted" version, in some cases. To integrate this faulty program into my own belief system.

*As a fellowship, Alcoholics Anonymous fails to disclose to its membership alternative sources of recovery from problem drinking. Not once in those five thousand-plus meetings had I ever heard anyone offer to a discontent new member a way to get a grip on their drinking besides "just keep coming back to A.A...., it gets better,"... (leans forward and whispers)... "else, ya die, junkie!" While having lunch with fellow A.A.s on two separate occasions, I found space in the conversation to discuss the confirmed existence of, like U.F.O.'s, secular recovery alternatives to A.A. (Women For Sobriety, SMART, SOS, Rational Recovery). None of my fellow steppers had ever heard of these, and replied with nothing more than a collective gaze akin to that of a dog being shown a card trick. I don't blame them for this lack of knowledge. I mean, hell, what is a stepper to do? When he/she believes that a spiritual awakening is the only way for that strawman alcoholic to recover, is there going to be room in the discussion for a purely secular strategy?

To me, this item is the most egregiously offensive. Though there is an A.A. tradition that observes non-alliance with other organizations, I did not know that there was a corresponding tradition that outlaws this fellowship from maybe giving a helpful tip to a problem drinker who doesn't want to believe in an invisible buddy. No tip, just a response: "hey, you can go back out there and try it again. We'll be here for you when you are ready." Implied in the half-assery of such a statement is A.A.'s assumption upon me, by way of personal projection, that because I am unable to accept this so-called "spiritual solution" as the answer to my problem, then surely I must be looking to get loaded.

And now, the closer. A poor man's O. Henry, if you will, by way of an acknowledgment: that those A.A.'s were probably right about me wanting to drink again, even while failing to realize that their own subscription to mythology-as-a-substitute-for-drinking is more responsible for their organization's poor membership retention, more so than that of the lure of King Alcohol, pushups-in-the-parking-lot, ad nauseum. But about the "drinking again" thing, that most serious of all offenses, that activity which I was told will doom me to resume an ever-increasing amount of booze consumption, jails, institutions, and death?

Yeah, what about that? Many A.A. members I have either known or befriended had died upon resumption of drinking. I accept the theory of "abstinence violation effect" (hazardous alcohol consumption resulting from the drinker's lack of environmental or personal control... i.e. "powerlessness") as the mental impetus for a binge. As for the addictive physical aspects of problem drinking, I believe that my system may very well be poorly set up to metabolize alcohol, and I will pay a price for this, on occasion. But some knowledge and practice of new habits has enabled me to avoid high-risk drinking episodes of the past, blackouts and all.

Based on all this, can my drinking be managed? Or will it be too much damn work? And if I decide that the enjoyment of a buzz is not worth the effort, can I successfully abstain from drinking without the aid of a shiny doorknob that obviously has more power over alcohol than I do? And if I can do this, was I ever an alcoholic to begin with?