B.S. Mechanic

The Atheist Comedian on marijuana prohibition

2012-01-22T13:15:00.000-06:00

This man is really funny. His comedy videos are on youtube, at klfly.

NSFW: one sexual reference, and discussion over an illegal plant.

Keith Lowell Jensen, a.k.a. "The Atheist Comedian," doesn't smoke weed. Yet, he continues to headline events sponsored by cannabis reform groups, as an effective and hilarious advocate for marijuana legalization.

On marijuana dispensaries:

O.K., let's stop kidding... this is just ridiculous. There's one on every corner... there's like way more pot dispensaries than Subways in Sacramento right now. Lotta people with asthma, y'know.

On the benefits of smoking pot:

What's wrong with weed? It's a plant. Makes people happy, and some of them less ambitious. Which, frankly... I've seen what ambitious people do. It might not be such a bad thing.

On reported symptoms of paranoia among some pot smokers:

Really? They're still saying that one, in this day and age? Marijuana makes you paranoid? It's true, it does!! Might be 'cause you keep fucking arresting people for it.

I mean, shit... masturbation makes you paranoid too, if you live with your parents.

On being asked to do cannabis reform comedy benefits, despite being a non-smoker:

Guys, I'm not one of you. I don't smoke pot. I'm just slow.

His blog, with upcoming events schedule, can be found here:http://keithlowelljensen.blogspot.com/

This past Christmas, one drink was enough.

2011-12-30T21:46:00.001-06:00

Last Sunday, I spent my Christmas dinner with two friends, a couple whose yuletide tradition is to go out for Mexican food and margaritas. In keeping with a run of nearly eight months since my last alcoholic drink, I had a pint glass of Buckler non-alcoholic beer. A rich light amber color, followed by musky carbonation with minimal aftertaste, separates this pretend beer from the other pretend beers as a... true pretender.

Note: I am not an employee or beneficiary of the manufacturer (Heineken). Though I would definitely consider it. My main point is that I wasn't seeking a beer buzz, but something more akin to beer than that of carbonated formaldehyde. Suck it, O'Doul's. I believe your product makes people want the real thing.

The three of us discussed music and upcoming gigs, avant-garde cinema, and the NFL, as it relates to the American sense of world military dominance (translation: with the injury to Jay Cutler, the Bears' season was as good as over). All of us had steak-based platters. Both of theirs were of the single-piece variety of carne asada, while mine was a novel Peruvian strip steak, served atop french fries. Very tasty. No ketchup needed.

After we had finished our dinner, the waiter arrived with a tray bearing three large shots of some kind of liqueur mix.

"It's the first drink that gets you drunk."

Two thoughts quickly came to mind:

Uh oh. I think one of those shots is supposed to be for me.
What is that stuff? See, I was a beer guy.

"They're Kahlua and cream. I think they're complimentary, for Christmas." Tom was a band mate, leader of a cowpunk trio who I played with in the mid-late 90's. This man was a crazed string-breaking banshee on stage, a tornado in the midst of terrified mic stands and drum kit components, yet he was also a tolerant friend who had witnessed my drunken antics and aftermaths plenty of times, while frequently and gently inviting me to "get a grip."

Now, many years later, Tom looked at me from across the table. Warily, though not worried. Lynn, his partner, remained neutral.

"It's celebratory. No issues," I replied. Tom nodded. We offered individual toasts, clinked our glasses, and drank. Though the alcohol buzz was instantaneous, it was moderate as well, and lasted only five minutes or so. The three of us kicked back and talked for a few more minutes, then paid the bill, and headed back to their condo. We listened to music and discussed politics while watching the Bears lose their Sunday night away game at Lambeau Field, in front of thousands of green-and-gold Packers fans celebrating a cheesy Christmas. For the record, I drowned my football sorrows at their place with a mellow sugar buzz provided by two bottles of Reed's Extra Ginger Brew.

"One drink is too many, and a thousand drinks aren't enough."

What exactly was "too many," this past Sunday night? To answer this, I think we only need look at the negative consequences. Let's go from least to worst:

Mental anguish. Wondering "maybe I'm not a 'real alcoholic'." Just kidding. I have Tom and hundreds of others friends and family in my life to argue otherwise.
After going 220-plus days in a row without a drink, I struck out. On Christmas.
On a more physical note, that very same post-Christmas sleep was none too restful. I woke up three times, and had to change T-shirts to rid myself of sweat. Talk about re-establishing the message: that for whatever the reason may be, my body doesn't react well to alcohol..

So that was pretty much the worst of it. In the week since, I hosted my parents for an extended Christmas get-together, worked a couple of days, wrote, and played my guitar, all done with focus and virtually no thoughts or concerns over having tipped the crown off the sweat-beaded skull of a slumbering King Alcohol.

But surely, if I feel like I got away with a drink this one time, then where does it stop? What about the next time? Will it be two drinks? And then three, or four, or a six-pack upon the next outing? Well, that's how my script read before using harm reduction and cognitive behavioral techniques to set limits with my alcohol consumption. A brief aside: these very same boundaries led me to pursue a plan of abstinence, after finding that though I could control my drinking to an extent, the results didn't foster enough of a payoff to warrant further attempts at moderate or safe drinking.

Earlier, I used the word "celebratory" as a qualifier to join my friends in a Christmas after-dinner liqueur shot. This raises questions. What constitutes a celebration? How will this gauge work in comparison to other holidays less prominent than Christmas? What about wedding receptions, artistic VIP events, or other social occasions? Will there be a slow and ongoing lowering of the high jump bar, to the point where I find myself exclaiming in the midst of a summertime sports crowd, "The Cubbies are playing .500 ball going into the All-Star break... shots for everyone!"

Instead of basing a boundaries-and-limits plan around uncertain future events, let's look at just the occasion. Especially worthy of scrutiny is the element of surprise. I was caught unarmed, missing that immediate reflex of saying "no," a reflex I had utilized successfully at a few previous bar situations attended solely for reasons of music, poetry, and/or comedy.

Thing is, it wasn't a matter of my mental state being hijacked by a rum-sucking spirit, but more of a trained process that quickly assessed the following factors, as they reflected my entire history of drinking, upon seeing our waiter approach the table with unexpected drinks:

The location - As opposed to a bar or other drink-specific environment, a restaurant offers a slower and more relaxed pace. Food is the sensuous benefactor, offering aroma, taste, and better absorption of alcohol into the system.
The occasion - It's Christmas, and I'm not with family, but I am with friends. It's O.K. to do this here.
The company - These are friends I can have one drink with, then resume conversation, with no further want for alcohol-fueled lip-loosening. There's a lot of history between us, and a lot of fodder for yakking, though we often stick to the musical and the mundane. And, as explained above, their concern level seemed pretty far from worrisome. I mean, c'mon... this restaurant is their annual favorite, and they forgot to tell me about the complimentary shots ahead of time? Sheesh...*
The style of drink - Kahlua-and-creme is a frou-frou drink, and liqueurs were never a part of my mostly-beer-only regimen. Neither was clergy-served red wine, which I made the mistake of ingesting while attending a Christmas service with family. I panicked at first, then was told that I would not "lose my sobriety" because I grabbed a Dixie cup from the wrong tray. That said, this chocolaty (and intended) treat felt appropriate for the occasion, whereas having a routine bottle of Beck's would have been out-of-place... too casual, and too eerily familiar, as if setting up for that same old routine.
The timing - Having an alcoholic beverage after dinner also felt right. Any other time would have (again) been too casual.
The quantity - One shot. Salut!... and there goes the alcohol, right down the old gullet. Bye! Onward. No agenda or preoccupation with that next drink.

*Naturally, if pure abstinence is a goal, it is up to the abstainer, and nobody else. Check those restaurants ahead of time, and have an escape route, if need be. Always be free to say "no." Assistance from others should always be requested, not expected.

One drink is enough. One drink will always be enough. If that liqueur was the last drink I ever have, well... it was enough.

Better driving through harm reduction

2011-12-03T16:11:00.001-06:00

Want to be a good Samaritan? Not just any kind of good Samaritan, but that special kind who does good deeds while making it a point to go unnoticed? And by that, I mean completely freaking unnoticed. If the phrase “secret Samaritan” fits your personality profile, then boy, do I have the job for you. Because in the environment I'm about to discuss, your kind efforts are needed.

I'm talking about the highways, where to say that tempers flare would be as redundant as noting that Officer Pike's Pepper™ … uh... sprays. In this flurry of rapidly moving metallic scenery, coupled with the maddeningly intermittent blinking red pairs of tail/brake lights during “rush” hour, cool heads and good deeds are urgently needed.

As described by The Baculum King in this iconic diary, traffic accidents are a thousand times more horrible than they are described on the evening news. Do you want the ideal place to practice harm reduction? Look no further than our roads, where a mass of American citizenry meet wearing a ton or so of steel, rubber, and glass, burdened with varying levels of work anxiety and caffeine-induced stress. These people desperately need you, my silent citizen. Even if they are not yet aware of this fact.

So, getting to the point, what will you do? What will you do?

Buffer that car in front of you.

That's “buffer,” not “bumper.” I am not instructing you to apply your bumper to the rear end of the SUV that just cut you off. Nor do I mean buffer as in “buff.” If traffic is gridlocked bad enough to where you want to be a nice person, and just happen to have a Porter Cable orbital polisher on hand, then that's between you and the other driver. Who am I to argue with such an act of kindness? Though even in the case of such an extremely absurd example, I would still argue that an ongoing policy of giving that car in front of you some space offers greater benefits on both personal and societal levels.

Put a buffer between you and that person. Especially if it's that asshole who just cut you off. Though your judgment may conclude that there is no one on this planet more deserving of retaliatory (and petulant) tailgating than that inconsiderate, coffee-guzzling, lunch-and-stockbroker-texting idiot suffering from Directional Signal Deficiency, the best thing you can do is to ease your right foot off the gas, and take a breath.

Mutter something if you have to, but do not bother to gesture and scream. From the Connecticut Department of Motor Vehicles (italics edited):

Gestures. If you want to wave to another driver, please use all of your fingers. Obscene gestures have gotten people shot, stabbed and beaten.

As for screaming? Well, this is where the silent Samaritan steps into the batter's box, and swings at a different kind of curve ball. A pitch, if you will, that maintains an acceptance of the fact that in the sealed and air-conditioned interior of a modern vehicle, you are Alien's Ripley, in space, where no one can hear you scream. The glazed donut wrapped in wax paper, which sits uneaten on the offending party's passenger seat, will get more attention than your angry pantomine, which appears peripherally in his/her rearview mirror, and is now in Act II after a brief intermission. Forgot about you? That driver who cut you off doesn't know... never even knew you existed.

This is where crisis equals a great opportunity to perform a simple act of kindness that will most likely go unacknowledged, an act so simple that even a big oil company can explain it. Or at least they could, back in 1978.

The Shell Answer Man: two seconds of travel space

If this diary were a rock 'n roll, blues, or country tune of the cautionary variety, then this is the third verse, the first person section, where I strum the same chord progression transposed up one full step, singing “believe me kid, when I tell you / I was once in your shoes.” I could tell you about the many times I've fantasized while driving about owning hood-mounted weaponry, or devising a rear-mounted LED that would display to tailgaters: “Go ahead and drive up my ass... I need a colonoscopy, along with the money.” Instead of doing this, I end this piece with my experience as an urban bicyclist, because there is one thing less noticeable than your... ahem, my screaming at a person whose car is fading fast in the forward horizon, and that is my (and your) presence as someone who cycles in and around the blind spots of motorized vehicles.

It was a constant source of frustration and anger for me to always have to watch out for what the other person is doing, whether it was an SUV swerving in front of me, or a couple of pedestrians sharing conversation over martinis while standing in the Bike Lane™. What is wrong with these people? Why are they so unaware?? Do I need to go all Norma Rae, and initiate a righteous and angry crusade of bicycle awareness??? (hint: yeah, that'll work)

My indignation towards bipedally blind motor vehicle operators did nothing to improve anyone's awareness, but it did serve to suck my attention into thoughts of retaliation and vengeance, and away from being in the present, a bicyclist who rides with attention to the scenery, my mind preoccupied with safety, and nothing else. So I tried a different game. While jetting through the city on my bike, I pictured myself as a lone member of a Botswanan tribe, or even a field mouse, obscured and invisible to the occasional herd of stampeding rhinoceros. It took me no great leap of imagination to view motorized traffic as larger African mammals lumbering anywhere at will, oblivious of all but food (and sex, of course).

There is no threatening a rhinoceros, much less arguing, or a negotiation of spacial boundaries. However, there is harm reduction, which means acknowledging that as much of an idiot that other guy is, my own vehicle has the ability to inflict just as much damage, when not driven with care.

There is healing, as well. I am no longer a motorist who bases his traveling schedule on a time frame where the universe must meet my demands, and every other driver must stay out of my way. I am a team player on the highway, more generous with the space between my car and the one in front, more relaxed and content, causing less stress for careless drivers and innocent bystanders alike.

All this is less a case of personal instantaneous altruism, and more one of simply steering towards a better, more rewarding state of being. Not to mention safer. It's been over twenty years since my fifth, last, and hopefully final totaled car situation. Head, say goodbye to brick wall.

*

Though harm reduction is a concept that is associated mainly with substance abuse support, I offer it as a viable holistic philosophy that can be applied to just about anything.

Do No Harm on Facebook

Do no harm means to give thoughtful consideration to our actions. It simply means to consider how our actions may affect the world we all share, to be compassionate in our dealings with all creatures, and not to thoughtlessly despoil our planet.

Clyde Grossman wrote an essay and shared it with his internet friend Chuck Keiser in an email.

"I was so taken by the simple phrase he used, 'Do no harm,' " says Grossman, "... it's so simple. It carries a message a child can understand."

Marijuana is not a vice, but a safer alternative to alcohol.

2011-06-23T15:18:00.006-05:00

Former Seattle police chief Norm Stamper interviewed colleagues over a 4-year period. None could remember having a fight with anyone who was determined to be under the influence of marijuana.

However, when Stamper followed with this question: "When's the last time you had to fight a drunk?", they looked at their watches.

Tell me again what this war on drugs is all about.

From Yahoo news (June 22, 2011):

Lawmakers to introduce bill to legalize marijuana

A group of US representatives plan to introduce legislation that will legalize marijuana and allow states to legislate its use, pro-marijuana groups said Wednesday. The legislation would limit the federal government's role in marijuana enforcement to cross-border or inter-state smuggling, and allow people to legally grow, use or sell marijuana in states where it is legal.

The bill, which is expected to be introduced on Thursday by Republican Representative Ron Paul and Democratic Representative Barney Frank, would be the first ever legislation designed to end the federal ban on marijuana.

After reading this article, I called my congressman (Luis Gutierrez, IL-04), and asked a staff member whether Rep. Gutierrez (a member of the Congressional Progressive Caucus) supported this bill. The staffer was both friendly and willing to assist, yet after five or so minutes of research, was unable to answer my question.

I thanked her for her time and effort, and pledged to call back once this proposed legislation had a bill number. In closing our conversation, the staffer offered sympathy to the cause. I reiterated my support for this legislation, offering that our police force has better things to do than arrest citizens for partaking in a substance whose side effects are benign, when compared to dealing with countless incidents of violence resulting from use of that legal drug known as alcohol.

In the foreword to the book Marijuana is Safer: So why are we driving people to drink? (2009, by Steve Fox, Paul Armentano, and Mason Tvert), former Seattle police chief and 34-year vet Norm Stamper presents this telling anecdote:

Over the past four years, out of a general interest in this subject, I've been asking police officers throughout the U.S. (and Canada) two questions. First: "When's the last time you had to fight someone under the influence of marijuana?" (And by this I mean marijuana only, not pot plus a six-pack or fifth of tequila.) My colleagues pause; they reflect. Their eyes widen as they realize that in their five or fifteen or theiry years on the job they have never had to fight a marijuana user. I then ask, "When's the last time you had to fight a drunk?" They look at their watches. ..."

In countering the failed 40-year "War on Drugs," cannabis law reformers continue to battle inaccuracies in truth (i.e. anti-marijuana propaganda), while providing a historical context explaining why the plant was criminalized by the U.S. government in 1937. This history is summarized in Marijuana is Safer.

Yet the book goes a step further, in suggesting a practical method of reaching out to those Americans who, despite all the evidence, continue to wrongfully regard a "yes" vote on cannabis reform bills or propositions as "just adding another vice (pot) to our drug-addled culture."

There is a highly effective appeal we can make to such people. This appeal is both simple and practical, and doesn't require intense study of NORML pamphlets, congressional bills, or even knowledge of the history of marijuana prohibition. All you need to know are the harmful effects that the legal drug alcohol has had on American society, or perhaps in your own life.

Do not hesitate to compare, but beware of false comparisons between the two substances. Marijuana is not a vice, but a safer alternative to alcohol.

Can we deny adults the right of a rational choice to use a less harmful substance? It makes no sense to prosecute someone for pot, when alcohol use and abuse is responsible for $150-200 billion annually in lost productivity, hospitalizations, and criminal justice expenditures (National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism).

Can we continue to lie to our children, by endorsing alcohol as a safer and societally-accepted substance, while knowing full well that 1) no one has ever died from cannabis overdose, while 2) alcohol intoxication is responsible for thousands of teenage deaths per year?

What will I tell my children, when alcohol use is an accepted norm, while marijuana is... illegal? (Quick answer: your average American teenager can currently obtain pot much more easily than alcohol, or tobacco, in an average of 23 minutes. This is because drug dealers don't card).

Let's say you're at a sporting event... (NSFW)

Bill Hicks - Pot vs Alcohol

When discussing facts and figures pertaining to cannabis reform, it is easy for the eyes of both the converted and the unconvinced to glaze over, and it's not due to pot smoke. What I find in Marijuana is Safer is a more persuasive argument. Connect with people on the societal norms of alcohol which they are already familiar with, and then introduce cannabis to the conversational canvas. And then see how it goes.

***

Update (6:42 PM CST): Andrew Malcolm of the L.A. Times reports that the bill (HR 2306), referred to in the Yahoo news report above, is not about legalization:

Marijuana bill officially introduced to Congress by Ron Paul, Barney Frank

The goal of the bill, HR 2306, is not to legalize marijuana but to remove it from the list of federally controlled substances while allowing states to decide how they will regulate it.

"I do not advocate urging people to smoke marijuana. Neither do I urge them to drink alcoholic beverages or smoke tobacco," said Frank (D-Mass.). "But in none of these cases do I think prohibition enforced by criminal sanctions is good public policy.

"Criminally prosecuting adults for making the choice to smoke marijuana is a waste of law enforcement resources and an intrusion on personal freedom," he added.

I quit only a month ago, but...

2011-06-11T05:12:00.013-05:00

... I've been in training for three years. And I ain't talkin' research.

In June of 2008, I started charting my drinking. The past six months had not been as hellacious as my prior A.A. relapses, but my intake was bad enough to do something about it. There was no going back to the twelve steps, and I hadn't quite found what I needed in other online alcohol abstinence groups.

Through the HAMS Network, I learned to adopt better habits to buffer my drinking. I set up personal bottom lines to better keep myself safe from overconsumption (hourly pacing, steady meals). I adopted personal rules around my drinking habit to keep myself safe from predators who know a mark when they see it stumbling alone on the streets at night.

Practice makes perfect. I also found myself using harm reduction principles on my cigarette smoking, which resulted in nearly two years off the smog. While I continued to practice safe drinking and remain free of egregious harm, I fell away from charting my usage. My consumption increased over the next two years, and remained at a steady maintenance level.

Again, the routine wore down. Drinking fed into depression, and vice versa. It was all I could do to return phone calls to family and a dozen or so friends. Along with them, my support came from a group of men who bonded over a weekend retreat in 2002, and an online smoking support group (GUS - Gave Up Smoking). It was thanks to all these people in both real life and met through the net that I kept from being completely isolated.

The last few months of my drinking gave me the answers I needed as to the question of whether I could practice it with human dignity, much less moderation. My eating and nutrition were starting to suffer. Real life communication with others was nearly nonexistent, and even people online were becoming ticked off and confused over a number of my posts. I knew I wasn't going back to A.A., I knew I wasn't going to kill myself, and I knew that somehow I was going to keep feeding myself and my cats.

So I took a cost/benefit analysis of my drinking. It is a strategy I learned from infrequent visits to the SMART Recovery site. This time around, this past Mother's Day weekend, there were no benefits, unless I count the numbness felt upon commencing the Friday binge. After that were certain costs: shitty emails sent; an entire 24-hours' worth of Saturday spent curled up in bed; a missed dinner with a friend on Sunday; replies to shitty emails returned. And (again) the lack of integrity felt calling my parents on Mother's day and flying the "all OK" flag contributed heavily to calling it a lifetime of drinking, done in cut time. Steve Dahl had it right: "I used up all my drink tickets."

All this being said, the last month I have felt anything but powerless. OK, I started smoking cigarettes again. And I have a harm reduction plan in effect, which for right now is maintaining a bottom line on the amount I smoke. I also use roll-your-own pouch tobacco, which lasts 3-4 times as long as a pack of Camel Lights, without being chock full of ammonionated compounds and 3,000 other wonderful chemicals. I know, it's not health food.

Physically, my appetite is much improved, and I have been enthusiastically using that beer money to purchase a wider variety of foods, mostly vegetables and other base ingredients to create a spanking delicious meal. I'm back on the bicycle, and walking regularly. My connection with others has greatly improved, be it regular contact with friends and family or a friendly "hi" to a passer-by. Creativity in the music studio is back and flourishing. I'm writing like crazy, and I am learning how to edit video files.

Nearly forty years ago, I learned the concept of being "powerless over alcohol." It is now demystified to where I have claimed my power back. I'm mostly happy, and I am more clear with myself and others when I am feeling otherwise. Plus, I haven't had the slightest urge to drink. Actually, I do drink Beck's Non-Alcoholic Beer at band practice, along with Arizona Iced Tea, which is a lot cheaper.

For fun, I'll end with this comparison:

Becks
Six pack fortified with 1/2 pint of Jim Beam
Good buzz, when kept under a twelve pack
Slight hangover
Tomorrow's forecast = 98% chance of drinking
Bottle half empty, focus on next beer
This six pack is mine.
This six pack is GONE.

Becks N/A
Six pack fortified by a bag of Sun Chips
Tastes great, less spilling.
No hangover
Tomorrow's forecast 98% chance of *something*
Bottle half full, focus on chord progression
Dude, you want a beer? yeah, I know... it's N/A :-P
Oh... three or four.

The Man Comes Around - Music of Doom and Rapture

2011-05-22T10:13:00.012-05:00

All your praying moments amount to just one breath
Please keep your victory
But give me little death

~

It's time
You are light
I guess you are afraid of what everyone is made of

~~~

Who's in bunker, who's in bunker
I've seen too much
I haven't seen enough

You haven't seen enough
I'll laugh until my head comes off

Women and children first
And children first
And children...

Here I'm allowed, everything all of the time

Children of tomorrow live in the tears that fall today

Will the sun rise of tomorrow bring in peace in any way?

Must the world live in the shadow of atomic fear?

Can they win the fight for peace or will they disappear?

~~~

Stronger than reason

Stronger than lies

The only truth I know

Is the look in your eyes

The look in your eyes!

~~~

You've been dying since the day you were born

You know it's all been planned

The quartet of deliverance rides

You have been dying since the day you were born

~~~

We'll know for the first time
If we're evil or divine

We're the last in line
We're the last in line

Two eyes from the east
It's the angel or the beast
And the answer lies between
The good and bad

~~~

Vinyl Intermission

The New Apocalypse
Stainless Soul

Locomotive
Mr. Armageddon

~~~

~~~

You've lost... that lovin' feeling
Whoa, that lovin' feeling

You've lost that lovin' feeling
Now it's gone...gone...gone

Woh-ooh-woh-ooh-woh

(You really should check out this live performance on full screen. Their singing is incredible. RIP, Bobby Hatfield)

~~~

~~~

~~~

World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed

Dummy with the rapture and the revered and the right

Right. You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light

Feeling pretty psyched

~~~

Look down
The ground below is crumbling
Look up
The stars are all exploding

It's the last day on earth
In my dreams, in my dreams
It's the end of the world
And you've come back to me
In my dreams

~~~

I've seen the nations rise and fall
I've heard their stories, heard them all
But love's the only engine of survival
Your servant here, he has been told
To say it clear, to say it cold:
It's over, it ain't going any further

And now the wheels of heaven stop
You feel the devil's riding crop
Get ready for the future
It is murder

~~~

Judge not this race by empty remains

Do you judge God by his creatures when they are dead?

For now, the lizard's shed it's tail

This is the end of man's long union with Earth

~~~

In Heaven
~
Everything is fine
~
You got your good thing
~
And I've got mine

~~~

Hear the trumpets, hear the pipers
One hundred million angels singing

Multitudes are marching to the big kettledrum

Voices calling, voices crying
Some are born and some are dying

It's Alpha and Omega's kingdom come

~~~

And even though you voted that awful man
I'll never refuse your hand
On any given doomsday or the one and only doomsday

Not in all my wildest dreams it never once was seen
That doomsday might fall anywhere near a tuesday

But flight across the skies seeing fate before my eyes

There isn't any sense to feel the light.
For I don't plan to die.
Nor should you plan to die

A.A. Survival Tips for Pigeons

2008-08-15T04:32:00.028-05:00

Introductory note: though the title specifies Alcoholics Anonymous, the survival tips can be applied to any other 12-step group. I have attended other 12-step groups (Narcotics, Cocaine, Overeaters, and S.L.A.A.-Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, as well as Adult Children of Alcoholics), but 99% of my program experience comes solely from A.A.

You have a drinking problem, and you are seeking a face-to-face support group. Or you have been ordered by the court to attend Alcoholics Anonymous as a condition of your probation. Or you may be an uninsured citizen who suffers from psychological disorders, and have decided that the support of a 12-step group is better than no support at all.

No matter the reason, you now find yourself headed to an A.A. (or other "A") meeting. Your entrance will most certainly draw attention, as some to most members of the group will recognize you as a newcomer, or in archaic A.A. groupspeak, a "pigeon." You will most likely be welcomed, receive handshakes, and in some cases, hugs. You may find this experience to be reasonably cordial, with respect to standard social graces and appropriate physical contact.

I very much found this to be the case during my brief run of S.L.A.A. meetings, where one hard line policy was this, to paraphrase: "If you want to physically embrace another member, and are not yet on intimate friendship terms with this person, you must approach this in terms of a request, and not an implied demand. Tell the other that they are under no obligation whatsoever." This policy and others in S.L.A.A. enabled a container that protected the group from sexual exploitation, as well as the "love-bombing" that occurs in more unstable step recovery rooms.

This is a brief digression to the main point, which is this. As a newcomer, you may find your initial experience of a 12-step meeting to be overwhelming. between the grand welcome and bearing witness to occasionally deep levels of deep emotion being expressed by others. You may also be highly encouraged to socialize after the meeting. These interactions can be healthy for those who share an open-minded view of all recovery options, while mixing in some conversation about books, movies, the Cubs, needlepoint art, or other various personal interests. On the other hand, you may find yourself intimidated, in feeling pressure from others to disclose information that you are not comfortable giving just yet.

It is for such experiences that I have written down the following survival tips for people who are new to step group recovery. I am not claiming that A.A. is a cult on the level of other certain high-profile belief sects. But some of its practices, as derived from its literature, slogans and social contract, can be hazardous to those who are introverted, dually diagnosed, or susceptible to group pressure.

While attending A.A. meetings, I met many supportive people, and did my best to stick with them, while gaining substantial time free from alcoholic beverages. If I know someone who is having problems with their drinking, and needs face-to-face support that may not be available through other recovery groups like HAMS, SMART, SOS, or WFS, I would have no qualms about referring that person directly to any of the good men and women I have met in A.A. But yo. Listen up, pigeons.

1. "Big Bird." Or, the sponsor. In A.A. tradition, this is the person who helps you work the steps. A more down-to-earth sponsor may do this as well, but will also have the integrity to lead by example, in displaying common sense techniques that helped them to stay sober. Ask this person questions, and be sure that the answers you receive are rooted in common sense, and are not commands that are dismissive of your needs. Equally as important is this: you get to choose your sponsor, not the other way around. Avoid whack jobs who offer you their unrequested sponsorship.

2. "Birds of a feather flock together." If you decide to pursue an A.A. program to the letter of the law, then you will most assuredly find support in that endeavor, from those who practice the 12 step program. This is a given. But if what you want is fellowship without the dogma and support without the spirituality, then be patient, and keep a watchful eye for those good souls who share honest feelings that are not framed by excessive step-talk or program slogans. Bonus points if you are a skeptic, and have access to Quad-A meetings (Alcoholics Anonymous for Atheists and Agnostics). I went to a few of them, and found them to be refreshingly free of prayer and ritual, with no pressure to announce myself as an "alcoholic."

3. "Careful with that squawking!" Sharing experiences and feelings is encouraged in A.A. Sometimes, "just listening" is pardoned... actually, encouraged, when the next person to speak is a 19-year program veteran who has fifteen minutes worth of wisdom to impart to the group. In either case, do not say anything in a meeting, or in working your 5th step (admitting exact nature of wrongs) that you would not tell to your best friend, or to a trusted family member. This may seem like basic and common sense. It is. Please hang onto it.

4. "Beware of foxes in the henhouse." Especially if you are a woman. In my experience, I have found that the majority of A.A. members do indeed mobilize to prevent sexual predation. You may not have this luxury. If, after limited meeting attendance, you find yourself fraught with sexual advances while receiving minimal support from members of your own gender, then get the hell out. And consider that online support, though lacking in face-to-face connection, is free of face-to-face predators, as well.

5. "Canary in the low-wage coal mine." Beware of work exploitation, as well. If offered a job opportunity, be sure that the situation will be mutually beneficial. Check your guts for any doubts (as always), and be confident that your recovery process will remain unaffected, especially if your employer attends the same meeting(s) that you do.

6. "To kill a mockingbird..." It is impossible to debate reality with a person who is certain that they are on the right path, and insists that you join them for that walk. At some point, your only defense against prosyltezing individuals must come not from a "higher power," but from their own literature.

From the A.A. preamble: "The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking." It says nothing about working steps, giving out your phone number, or accepting rides from creeps.

From p.26 of the book 12 Steps and 12 Traditions: "Alcoholics Anonymous does not demand that you believe anything" (step two). If you feel pressured to do anything that you are not comfortable with (giving out your phone number, working a step, attending more meetings, or even announcing yourself as an "alcoholic"), remember this passage above all else.

South Park: A Brief Description of Abstinence Violation Effect

2008-08-14T15:07:00.007-05:00

Stan's father Randy has been arrested for driving while intoxicated, and attends a court-mandated A.A. meeting:

This causes problems for Randy. Angered by this, Stan confronts the group:

Undaunted, the group members confront Randy at the bar. The intervention goes awry:

Exit A.A., enter Harm Reduction

2008-08-13T13:42:00.010-05:00

Ingrained in the overall of your standard Alcoholics Anonymous social contract is this perception. If you are an alcoholic, and you fall off the wagon after months, or even years of sobriety, your drinking will be as bad as it was it was when you initially quit. And it will get worse.

My name is B.S. I am an alcoholic. Repeat five thousand times, and then say “jump!” Oh, crap.

What with the word “worse” being a relative judgment and all, I have no problem when an A.A. member sticks to their own story, in this regard and all others. In my own returns to drinking that followed years (or months) of 12-step supported abstinence, I found my own alcohol intake increasing over long periods of time. At the beginning of each relapse was pronounced binging (weekends-only, high-risk drinking), that eventually settled into longer expanses of daily low-to-medium risk drinking (5-9 drinks per day), with fewer weekend binges. With respect to the big picture, my alcohol intake from one year to the next did increase, marginally. I became a “functioning alcoholic,” spreading my booze more consistently through the week, while binging less on weekends.

Flash forward to the present moment, in mid-August of 2008. It has been a year and a half since I left Alcoholics Anonymous for the last time, one year since I chose to resume drinkng again, and almost three months since I began structuring a program... my own program... of recovery, with information and support provided through the HAMS: Harm Reduction from Alcohol network. By using HAMS-suggested strategies such as drink tracking, continued deprogramming from the disease model of “alcoholism,” and connection with fellow “HAMSters,” my drinking has decreased (June daily drink average= 4.83 drinks; August daily drink average, so far=3.25 drinks).

I am still obsessed with the subjects of alcohol and problem drinking. My relationship with alcohol is still tenuous. I enjoy drinking quality beers and wines alike (no hard alcohol) and pay a weekly price for this pleasure with mild hangovers on a weekly basis. My diet and sleep patterns, though improving, are not yet where I would like them to be. HAMS is enabling me to work on these details as well, in addition to helping me reduce and eliminate extreme behaviors of my past that have led to injury or intense discomfort.

Managing my drinking problem is not about working on personal shortcomings, or improving my conscious contact with a higher power. Resentment, accorded by A.A.'s main text as "the 'number one' offender (that) destroys more alcoholics than anything else," (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 64) is now something I regard as more of a motivator to action, and less that of a death threat. Harm reduction is about dealing with actual problems faced, and how to handle them by using rational thought, practical methods, and compassion for one's self, in the process.

In the spirit of Rational Responder's Blasphemy Challenge, I issue the following statement: "I have abused alcohol, and I am not an alcoholic (repeat as necessary). I hereby renounce a spiritual awakening as my only solution to a drinking problem."

My Drunk-o-logue and My Step-o-logue

2008-08-05T17:09:00.036-05:00

Through most of my life, the issue of heavy drinking has been front-and-center, be it through Alcoholics Anonymous membership, or actual time spent drinking, and all its varied consequences therein.

Following my first ever alcohol-related hauling to the police station at age 16 (three of us got caught drinking a 12-pack of Molson while camped in front of an unauthorized bonfire) came the first warning from my mother about my having a possible "predetermined alcoholic disposition", inherited from my father's side of the family. The American Medical Association recognizes "alcoholism" as a disease, while the DSM-IV eschews the term "alcoholism" in favor of the phrases "alcohol abuse," and "alcohol dependence." Nonetheless, a blanket genetic theory had been prematurely adopted, blossoming in tandem with acceptance of the 12-step recovery model by the treatment center industry. This was 1981.

A year later, I totalled my father's truck in a drunken blackout, and wrecked my own car some months after that. Dad, who at that time had put in over three years of sober time in A.A., rightly ordered me to either get help for my drinking, or find another place to live. So I checked out a meeting, immediately declared myself to be an alcoholic (though not really believing it, but "when in Rome..."), and thus began 25 years worth of alternating binge drinking with 12-step sobriety (six years at one point, five at another).

My six-year stint in A.A. ended in 1992. I moved from suburbia to the big city, to play bass guitar in a working rock band, and to drink, smoke, snort, and dose with no regard for the future. I drank daily most of the time, with few breaks in between. I played in at least ten different bands/musical projects, and had lots of fun. On the down side, friends and lovers (prospective or otherwise) beat frequent paths to the door so as to avoid me, as drunken and/or hungover behavior became my normal state of being. I stopped going out with friends, for the most part, and spent more time drinking at home, alone.

After a few years of this, I returned to A.A. This was more a matter of feeling disconnected with others, than having been prompted by the aftermath of any heavy drinking-related incidents that I had suffered many over those eight years: drunken fights, three arrests, one mugging, bass guitar stolen thanks to drunken negligence, a dislocated shoulder, all threaded with numerous blackouts, hangovers, some shakes, and a lot of sweat.

Into my last run of sober time, I found some meetings that, to my relief, maintained a toned-down approach to the 12 steps. I met fellow musicians and other artists who could be every bit as humorous and ironic as any of my drinking buddies. Yet, underneath it all existed the generally held conception that a spritual approach was required in order to stay sober. No amount of cognitive dissonance, be it self-induced/A.A. related/both, could convince me to absorb this approach into my own truth.

In reflecting upon this, I offer you a basic and visceral view of kudos and bitches, with regard to my time in the rooms. Though factual in spots, my views are anecdotally based.

Positives:

*For nearly 30 years, my father has remained sober while attending meetings. Not only is my dad a better person who helps his community and others around him, but he remains dismissive of the archaic and cloying dogma that is piled shit-heap high in the Big Book (pet name for A.A.'s official text). My father actively practices the positive aspects of the program slogan "keep it simple", in saying, "The thing in this program that works is that as recovering alcoholics, we touch base, we support one another... and never mind all that horseshit Big Book text, fer chrissakes!" He takes this basic message (a good one, I believe, when omitting the 12 steps/higher-power/cultist trappings) to a weekly jail meeting in his region. After suffering a heart attack seven years ago, my father received a signature-rich get-well card from the jail inmates. Upbeat under the circumstances as they were, dad got a real boost out of this.

*Over the course of my meeting attendance, I have made some damn good friends. I also have some good friends at ... well, y'know, wherever! The bar(s), the rehearsal space, on the 'net, in a jet, along with those met through family and other friends, Still, I feel like I lucked out in having met fellow travelers (punks, hippies, metalheads, gearheads, and single moms alike, kind of like Opus' band in Bloom County) who shared with me a heightened sense of irreverence towards all irony-bludgeoning things that are A.A. We spent much time telling dirty jokes and vamping sarcastic parodies of the more popular A.A. propaganda over all-night over coffee, and doing things in our free time that were judged by many hardcore A.A.'s to be engaging in "unhealthy behavior... definitely not sober!" (cigars and poker, pagan bonfires up and down the coast of Lake Michigan, midnight skinny-dipping, dancing at punk/techno clubs that served... alcohol? Just plain "driving too fast"???).

Negatives:

*Alcoholics Anonymous is sexist. See: the "To Wives" chapter (written not by Lois, but by Bill Wilson!), the He/Him references to "a higher power", the ego-deflating steps that apply poorly to problem drinkers who are often victimized (mostly female, with nary a doubt), and the overall unwillingness of Alcoholics Anonymous to collectively "amend" their archaic literature, which was written well before the womens'/civil rights movements awakened many Americans in the 1960's.

*In addition to those friendships described above, I have also had others that went comatose, upon my uttering the words "A.A. is no longer working for me."

*Phrases heard daily in "How It Works" (a page-and-a-half long reading that precedes 99% of all A.A. meetings:
----"alcohol... cunning, baffling, powerful" (alcohol-as-evil-spirit metaphor)
----"those who do not recover are people cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program" (ever felt like one of those?)
----"we asked His protection and care with complete abandon" (I can't keep myself sober, so I have to put all my eggs in the basket of a hypothetical power?... though based on on the bold-faced/italicized/upper-case pronoun, we have determined that this 'higher power' is swinging pipe, Sgt. Friday)

I have heard at least 5,000 meetings worth of these phrases, along with many others that are only slightly less inane. And I did my best to process them: to screen them, to manipulate a reasonably sane version of them, to make up my own "meeting-friendly" version of them, not to mention a "sponsor-accepted" version, in some cases. To integrate this faulty program into my own belief system.

*As a fellowship, Alcoholics Anonymous fails to disclose to its membership alternative sources of recovery from problem drinking. Not once in those five thousand-plus meetings had I ever heard anyone offer to a discontent new member a way to get a grip on their drinking besides "just keep coming back to A.A...., it gets better,"... (leans forward and whispers)... "else, ya die, junkie!" While having lunch with fellow A.A.s on two separate occasions, I found space in the conversation to discuss the confirmed existence of, like U.F.O.'s, secular recovery alternatives to A.A. (Women For Sobriety, SMART, SOS, Rational Recovery). None of my fellow steppers had ever heard of these, and replied with nothing more than a collective gaze akin to that of a dog being shown a card trick. I don't blame them for this lack of knowledge. I mean, hell, what is a stepper to do? When he/she believes that a spiritual awakening is the only way for that strawman alcoholic to recover, is there going to be room in the discussion for a purely secular strategy?

To me, this item is the most egregiously offensive. Though there is an A.A. tradition that observes non-alliance with other organizations, I did not know that there was a corresponding tradition that outlaws this fellowship from maybe giving a helpful tip to a problem drinker who doesn't want to believe in an invisible buddy. No tip, just a response: "hey, you can go back out there and try it again. We'll be here for you when you are ready." Implied in the half-assery of such a statement is A.A.'s assumption upon me, by way of personal projection, that because I am unable to accept this so-called "spiritual solution" as the answer to my problem, then surely I must be looking to get loaded.

And now, the closer. A poor man's O. Henry, if you will, by way of an acknowledgment: that those A.A.'s were probably right about me wanting to drink again, even while failing to realize that their own subscription to mythology-as-a-substitute-for-drinking is more responsible for their organization's poor membership retention, more so than that of the lure of King Alcohol, pushups-in-the-parking-lot, ad nauseum. But about the "drinking again" thing, that most serious of all offenses, that activity which I was told will doom me to resume an ever-increasing amount of booze consumption, jails, institutions, and death?

Yeah, what about that? Many A.A. members I have either known or befriended had died upon resumption of drinking. I accept the theory of "abstinence violation effect" (hazardous alcohol consumption resulting from the drinker's lack of environmental or personal control... i.e. "powerlessness") as the mental impetus for a binge. As for the addictive physical aspects of problem drinking, I believe that my system may very well be poorly set up to metabolize alcohol, and I will pay a price for this, on occasion. But some knowledge and practice of new habits has enabled me to avoid high-risk drinking episodes of the past, blackouts and all.

Based on all this, can my drinking be managed? Or will it be too much damn work? And if I decide that the enjoyment of a buzz is not worth the effort, can I successfully abstain from drinking without the aid of a shiny doorknob that obviously has more power over alcohol than I do? And if I can do this, was I ever an alcoholic to begin with?