A.A. Survival Tips for Pigeons (updated)

Introductory note: though the title specifies Alcoholics Anonymous, the survival tips can be applied to any other 12-step group. I have attended other 12-step groups (Narcotics, Cocaine, Overeaters, and S.L.A.A.-Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, as well as Adult Children of Alcoholics), but 99% of my program experience comes solely from A.A.

You have a drinking problem, and you are seeking a face-to-face support group. Or you have been ordered by the court to attend Alcoholics Anonymous as a condition of your probation. Or you may be an uninsured citizen who suffers from psychological disorders, and have decided that the support of a 12-step group is better than no support at all.



No matter the reason, you now find yourself headed to an A.A. (or other "A") meeting. Your entrance will most certainly draw attention, as some to most members of the group will recognize you as a newcomer, or in archaic A.A. groupspeak, a "pigeon." You will most likely be welcomed, receive handshakes, and in some cases, hugs. You may find this experience to be reasonably cordial, with respect to standard social graces and appropriate physical contact.

I very much found this to be the case during my brief run of S.L.A.A. meetings, where one hard line policy was this, to paraphrase: "If you want to physically embrace another member, and are not yet on intimate friendship terms with this person, you must approach this in terms of a request, and not an implied demand. Tell the other that they are under no obligation whatsoever." This policy and others in S.L.A.A. enabled a container that protected the group from sexual exploitation, as well as the "love-bombing" that occurs in more unstable step recovery rooms.

This is a brief digression to the main point, which is this. As a newcomer, you may find your initial experience of a 12-step meeting to be overwhelming. between the grand welcome and bearing witness to occasionally deep levels of deep emotion being expressed by others. You may also be highly encouraged to socialize after the meeting. These interactions can be healthy for those who share an open-minded view of all recovery options, while mixing in some conversation about books, movies, the Cubs, needlepoint art, or other various personal interests. On the other hand, you may find yourself intimidated, in feeling pressure from others to disclose information that you are not comfortable giving just yet.

It is for such experiences that I have written down the following survival tips for people who are new to step group recovery. I am not claiming that A.A. is a cult on the level of other certain high-profile belief sects. But some of its practices, as derived from its literature, slogans and social contract, can be hazardous to those who are introverted, dually diagnosed, or susceptible to group pressure.

While attending A.A. meetings, I met many supportive people, and did my best to stick with them, while gaining substantial time free from alcoholic beverages. If I know someone who is having problems with their drinking, and needs face-to-face support that may not be available through other recovery groups like HAMS, SMART, SOS, or WFS, I would have no qualms about referring that person directly to any of the good men and women I have met in A.A. But yo. Listen up, pigeons.

1. "Big Bird." Or, the sponsor. In A.A. tradition, this is the person who helps you work the steps. A more down-to-earth sponsor may do this as well, but will also have the integrity to lead by example, in displaying common sense techniques that helped them to stay sober. Ask this person questions, and be sure that the answers you receive are rooted in common sense, and are not commands that are dismissive of your needs. Equally as important is this: you get to choose your sponsor, not the other way around. Avoid whack jobs who offer you their unrequested sponsorship.

2. "Birds of a feather flock together." If you decide to pursue an A.A. program to the letter of the law, then you will most assuredly find support in that endeavor, from those who practice the 12 step program. This is a given. But if what you want is fellowship without the dogma and support without the spirituality, then be patient, and keep a watchful eye for those good souls who share honest feelings that are not framed by excessive step-talk or program slogans. Bonus points if you are a skeptic, and have access to Quad-A meetings (Alcoholics Anonymous for Atheists and Agnostics). I went to a few of them, and found them to be refreshingly free of prayer and ritual, with no pressure to announce myself as an "alcoholic."

3. "Careful with that squawking!" Sharing experiences and feelings is encouraged in A.A. Sometimes, "just listening" is pardoned... actually, encouraged, when the next person to speak is a 19-year program veteran who has fifteen minutes worth of wisdom to impart to the group. In either case, do not say anything in a meeting, or in working your 5th step (admitting exact nature of wrongs) that you would not tell to your best friend, or to a trusted family member. This may seem like basic and common sense. It is. Please hang onto it.

4. "Beware of foxes in the henhouse." Especially if you are a woman. In my experience, I have found that the majority of A.A. members do indeed mobilize to prevent sexual predation. You may not have this luxury. If, after limited meeting attendance, you find yourself fraught with sexual advances while receiving minimal support from members of your own gender, then get the hell out. And consider that online support, though lacking in face-to-face connection, is free of face-to-face predators, as well.

5. "Canary in the low-wage coal mine." Beware of work exploitation, as well. If offered a job opportunity, be sure that the situation will be mutually beneficial. Check your guts for any doubts (as always), and be confident that your recovery process will remain unaffected, especially if your employer attends the same meeting(s) that you do.

6. "To kill a mockingbird..." It is impossible to debate reality with a person who is certain that they are on the right path, and insists that you join them for that walk. At some point, your only defense against prosyltezing individuals must come not from a "higher power," but from their own literature.

From the A.A. preamble: "The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking." It says nothing about working steps, giving out your phone number, or accepting rides from creeps.

From p.26 of the book 12 Steps and 12 Traditions: "Alcoholics Anonymous does not demand that you believe anything" (step two). If you feel pressured to do anything that you are not comfortable with (giving out your phone number, working a step, attending more meetings, or even announcing yourself as an "alcoholic"), remember this passage above all else.

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UPDATE (03.30.12)

When I posted this entry over three years ago, I made the mistake of describing Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) as a 12-step group that "enabled a container that protected the group from sexual exploitation, as well as the "love-bombing" that occurs in more unstable step recovery rooms."

I am a tall male who has been often described as tall, dark, and mysterious. Because of this, I judge myself to be a very unlikely target of 12-step perpetrators and opportunists, and am probably the last person who should be gauging the safety of any such group.

Additionally, I also made the mistake of giving a general and favorable impression of SLAA that was based upon attendance in one specific region. In the years since posting this, I have decided to stop endorsing any and all 12-step groups, period. That there are kind people to be found in the rooms, or that "some groups are better/sicker than others," is a distraction from what I see to be the main issue: that for many, practicing the 12 steps is not only ineffective, but extremely harmful. --- bsm